The Collision of "His Needs" and "Her Needs"

This week has been hard.  Very hard.  It's been one of those marital collisions of "his needs" and "her needs" where one person has to walk away the loser.  The one thing we both needed was the one thing neither of us was in a position to give.  We were both being asked big things of us, but those things pulled us in opposite directions.  There was no middle ground or compromise this time.  I just wish this collision hadn't left me thrown under the bus.  But it did, because I am not as strong as he is.   Toss in the ingredient of shame for how I mishandled my needs and hurt, and we have a recipe for mess, with a capital M!   So now we're left to sort out all the emotions and begin to process our hurt without placing blame.  Being real sometimes means being raw.

Life under the bus hurts.  I feel alone, weak, not valued, disappointed, angry, wounded, shamed, and probably deep down betrayed, even though that is not the case.  Top all those with guilt because I know the Lord allowed this collision and will use it for His good, and I feel like a hot mess today.

I know I shouldn't feel all of those things towards him, but I do.  I know there was little he could have done different, but I needed him to.  I know I was wrong in my reactions, but I reacted anyway.  I know I am weak with faulty wiring, but I needed more than he gave.  I know that I should only need Him, but I didn't.  I needed my husband and he needed me to be stronger than I was.  Even midst my raw human emotions, God is present and will sort out the mess; restoring me to the woman He molds.  Its the process that is painful.

His needs and her needs seem to always be in such contrast, yet love requires putting the needs of your spouse above your own.  What does that look like?  How do I do that when my needs already feel huge?  This week, that looked like sleeplessness, loss of appetite, stress, fatigue, sickness, and raw holes in my soul.  I wish I could say that I made the selfless choice of putting his needs first, but I didn't.  There was no choice made on my part.  It was survival mode because the choice had already been made.  And for me, that meant just riding out the waves. This was not the week I needed to be asked to be who I haven't been before---strong enough.

So how do I become strong enough?  Christ in me is certainly strong enough.  He is MORE than strong enough.  But that doesn't always equate to human strength.  What keeps His strength from becoming my strength?  I don't know.  Maybe I don't surrender it all to Him?  Maybe I hang on to the comfort of fear and weakness rather than let it go and trust Him for security?  Maybe I wrongly equate security with not having any fear?  Who knows.  Humans will always struggle with being humans.

My process of sorting through the spectrum of emotions will continue.  I'm sure much needed sleep and quiet time with the Lord will provide the recovery needed from this week.    His needs and her needs will always continue to be an element of marriage that beckons to be reconciled.  Each one attempting to die to self and put the other's needs first.  We will continue to fail many times.  Circumstances will be thrown our way leaving little options for both to come out winners.  But I am so thankful for God's promise.....

"A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back to conquer.  Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken."  ~Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NLT)

Matthew West---"Strong Enough" music video