The Sanctuary of Suffering

Two definitions of sanctuary are:  1)  a sacred place, a place of refuge and 2)  the condition of being protected and comforted.  Neither would I use to describe or affiliate with suffering.  Yet that is exactly what God spoke into my heart.

It was around this time last year that life seemed to take on a weight I had not anticipated.  After all, if you are in God's Will, it shouldn't feel like suffering, right?

The behaviors of our 2 foster children and their parents began to deteriorate.  By November our home was a war zone and by Christmas we were forced to surrender for the sake of our own health and children.  Winter settled in over the sky and over my heart.

I struggled to accept my love was not enough to help the 2 children God asked me to care for and love.  I struggled with the new normal and the new quiet of our home and routine.  My ministry position and my own children kept me busy and serving; yet looking back it was more motion than presence.  Again, being in God's will should not feel lonely, right?

I struggled in my marriage.  We had come together and jersey-ed up for the same team to play for the foster children.  But when that "game" was over and the jerseys removed, the messiness of our marriage that we had put on hold resurfaced.  Baggage does not disappear.  It simply waits and collects dust until you decide to unpack it.

And so the darkness of winter was survived via routine.  Spring burst forth and I was expecting my soul to follow suit.  When it didn't, we decided to reenter the foster care calling by opening up our home for respite care.  Test the waters so to speak.  God used that obedience to provide some much needed healing.  The trauma of our previous placement was not the "normal".  We were able to care for children that needed us without risking harm to ourselves.  God was restoring.

May arrived and I began to feel the fog lift.  Just maybe this season of suffering was coming to a close.  Willie took a new job that would provide incredible benefits while relieving the self- employment headaches of owning your own business.  We provided respite care for 2 very special little girls on Memorial Day weekend that God immediately tethered to our hearts.  Life was feeling less heavy.

But suffering quickly returned (or maybe it had never really left) and did so with a vengeance.  Pieces of mail began getting my attention.  Like pieces of a puzzle without the big picture on the box.  Over the course of a month or so, it became clear that our finances and marriage needed front-and-center attention.  God was asking me to step out of ministry and step into my home full-time.  A choice that should have been easy, but was nothing of the sort.  I was now grieving.  And grieving takes suffering to a whole new level.

Our summer was spent in the mercy and grace of our family, friends,  and counselors stepping in to love us and direct us.  All the while, bonding deeper and deeper with the two little girls from respite care in May.  God was calling them to be part of our family.  But why?  Why would God call our messy home to be what these little girls needed?  Because He's God and we are not.  He knows what the picture looks like on the outside of the puzzle box.  And it's beautiful!

But we have not gotten to beautiful yet.  We are still suffering through finances, job loss, marital baggage, depression, and the great mystery of just what is God's Will for us right now?  There are days I just want to quit.  There are days I can't see the next right step to take.  There are days I have peace knowing God is leading; even if its scary.  There are days I know I am exactly where He wants me.   There are days I want to be anywhere but exactly where God wants me.  Suffering rides the emotional roller coaster.  Daily.

So when God whispered "the Sanctuary of Suffering" on my heart, I could not fathom why He would put the two together.  Sanctuary reflects peace, safety, holiness, reverence, and an invitation to stay.  Suffering reflects agitation, fear, messiness, condemnation, and a plea to be rescued.  Life feels more like an incubator than a sanctuary.  I wish I could find a sanctuary FROM suffering.

 Sanctuary:   1)  a sacred place, a place of refuge and 2)  the condition of being protected and comforted.  When I'm suffering I do not feel like I am in a sacred place; instead I feel like I need to seek refuge.  But God is showing me that this suffering is Holy ground because God is at work.  He is up to something radical.  Whether character refinement, or a blessing up ahead around the bend, or in preparation for the future.  God is using my suffering to accomplish His Perfect and Holy Will.  In His Will is where I am to seek refuge.

When I am suffering, God gently brings me into Himself in ways I am not willing to seek Him otherwise.  I too often rely on myself or my resources, instead of the One Who is really in control all along.  Here, in that sacred refuge of suffering, I enter into an even deeper sanctuary of God's protection and comfort.  He is loving me fully and asking me to stay a while with Him.  Cling to Him.  Trust Him.  Worship Him.

 Will He give me all the answers tied up in a pretty pink bow?  No.  Will He end the suffering?  In His Time.  But rather than grant a quick rescue that may not accomplish His Perfect Will, He wants me to linger in this chapter of my story with Him; all for His glory.  I'm ready for a new chapter.  But God is writing the story and He has more beauty to accomplish in the suffering.

And He promises me that through the power of Jesus, I am strong enough.......