The Collision of "His Needs" and "Her Needs"

This week has been hard.  Very hard.  It's been one of those marital collisions of "his needs" and "her needs" where one person has to walk away the loser.  The one thing we both needed was the one thing neither of us was in a position to give.  We were both being asked big things of us, but those things pulled us in opposite directions.  There was no middle ground or compromise this time.  I just wish this collision hadn't left me thrown under the bus.  But it did, because I am not as strong as he is.   Toss in the ingredient of shame for how I mishandled my needs and hurt, and we have a recipe for mess, with a capital M!   So now we're left to sort out all the emotions and begin to process our hurt without placing blame.  Being real sometimes means being raw.

Life under the bus hurts.  I feel alone, weak, not valued, disappointed, angry, wounded, shamed, and probably deep down betrayed, even though that is not the case.  Top all those with guilt because I know the Lord allowed this collision and will use it for His good, and I feel like a hot mess today.

I know I shouldn't feel all of those things towards him, but I do.  I know there was little he could have done different, but I needed him to.  I know I was wrong in my reactions, but I reacted anyway.  I know I am weak with faulty wiring, but I needed more than he gave.  I know that I should only need Him, but I didn't.  I needed my husband and he needed me to be stronger than I was.  Even midst my raw human emotions, God is present and will sort out the mess; restoring me to the woman He molds.  Its the process that is painful.

His needs and her needs seem to always be in such contrast, yet love requires putting the needs of your spouse above your own.  What does that look like?  How do I do that when my needs already feel huge?  This week, that looked like sleeplessness, loss of appetite, stress, fatigue, sickness, and raw holes in my soul.  I wish I could say that I made the selfless choice of putting his needs first, but I didn't.  There was no choice made on my part.  It was survival mode because the choice had already been made.  And for me, that meant just riding out the waves. This was not the week I needed to be asked to be who I haven't been before---strong enough.

So how do I become strong enough?  Christ in me is certainly strong enough.  He is MORE than strong enough.  But that doesn't always equate to human strength.  What keeps His strength from becoming my strength?  I don't know.  Maybe I don't surrender it all to Him?  Maybe I hang on to the comfort of fear and weakness rather than let it go and trust Him for security?  Maybe I wrongly equate security with not having any fear?  Who knows.  Humans will always struggle with being humans.

My process of sorting through the spectrum of emotions will continue.  I'm sure much needed sleep and quiet time with the Lord will provide the recovery needed from this week.    His needs and her needs will always continue to be an element of marriage that beckons to be reconciled.  Each one attempting to die to self and put the other's needs first.  We will continue to fail many times.  Circumstances will be thrown our way leaving little options for both to come out winners.  But I am so thankful for God's promise.....

"A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back to conquer.  Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken."  ~Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NLT)

Matthew West---"Strong Enough" music video

The KrazyGlue in Our Love Story

So many times over this past year I have wanted to sit down and put my thoughts of marriage into words. The messiness of our marriage just seemed to make for a messy message every time.  So I avoided forming words until things moved away from disorder and closer to order.  Today as I reflect upon last Valentines Day and the year in between, my heart is ready to share the chapter of our love story marked by God's KrazyGlue.....

Valentines Day 2013 "Cupid" shot love darts all through my day.  Willie left love notes and gifts to my heart in every part of my day.....when my head hit the pillow that night, I felt loved and cherished to my very core.  He "knocked it out of the park" as we tease each other in his familiar baseball language.  The perfection of that day will always be remembered, however it was unrealistic to think it would carry us through the other 364 days of that year.  Ups and downs continued.  Marriage swung between messy and marvelous.  As we celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary in Turks & Caicos, we once again experienced a mountain-top like none other and our marriage soared to new heights.  Again, not enough to realistically carry us through the remaining days that year.  We struggled.  We fought.  We hurt.  We loved.  Cycles repeated themselves and the roller coaster never seemed to end.  Trusted friends gave godly counsel.  Countless prayers were lifted.  Marriage counseling was sought.  Mentors were found.  Our heads knew God was in this, yet our hearts hurt from the humanness that steers us away from one another; focusing on our own brokenness and expectations.  Broken pieces in desperate need of glue.....God's KrazyGlue.

We continued moving forward, even when at times we didn't know how we would make it one more day as a couple.  Too many pieces and fragments to know how to rebuild our marriage.  Through God's grace, we faithfully and painstakingly trusted God and exercised much patience, grace, and love.  Through God's grace our marriage slowly began to look more like what God designed us to be.  We both brought baggage into our marriage and both contributed to accumulating more over our years together.  Marriage is hard work and not always roses and chocolates.  Two messy people joining as one do not cancel out the other's messy; we just make a bigger mess together.  :)

Looking back over the past year, I can see God's hands with us in every moment together and every person He sent across our path.  He never left us alone, nor did He allow our brokenness to defeat what He joined together for forever.  While we were focusing on putting the pieces back together to be what our marriage "used to be", God knew He could glue our pieces back together to make a new marriage.  The love of Christ in us is the KrazyGlue of love that binds our hearts together.  Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ (Romans 8:35-39), and when He is the center of our marriage, nothing can separate us from one another.  We are KrazyGlued together, forever.

This Valentines Day, 2014, we can look back and see how God became (or should I say, has always been) the KrazyGlue in our love story.  He never let anything pull us apart and He promises that nothing ever will.  Will there still be trials?  Yes.  Will there be seasons of regression?  Yes.  Will there be moments when marriage gets messy again?  YES!  There is no perfect wife or perfect husband, so there is no perfect marriage.  BUT, there is a perfect God who glues two broken pieces together in such a way that they become the strength of the adhesive love between them and thus, inseparable with the love of Christ!

While the memories of the amazing Valentines Day last year are still fresh, and can threaten to create expectations for a repeat this year, our simple gifts this year of a WillowTree "Together" couple and a homemade banana cream pie reflect far more intimate gifts.  We are together, holding one another tightly; knowing each other's heart and what makes them feel loved.  The greatest Valentine's gift this year is the season in our marriage marked with God's KrazyGlue.

Resources that I highly recommend for marriages:
#1 is God's Holy Word.  Read the Bible and pray together DAILY
http://lysaterkeurst.com/capture-his-heart/
http://lysaterkeurst.com/capture-her-heart
http://sharonjaynes.com/store/products/becoming-the-woman-of-his-dreams/
http://therespectdare.com/about-the-book
http://sharonjaynes.com/praying-for-your-husband/
http://www.familylife.com/audio
http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/momentstogether/
http://drjamesdobson.org/broadcasts/archive
http://mensteppingup.com/
http://www.mansfieldsbookofmanlymen.com/
http://beyondordinary.refineus.org/

My Sweet Spots

---Prompted by the devotion link at the bottom---

Not everyone has been gifted the same skill sets.  Good thing, or life would be cookie cutter boring!  We are all one body in Christ as I have been studying in Ephesians.  Knees are just as important as fingernails.  Imagine life without either of them for a moment......

Many times I try to adopt the skill sets I admire in others.  I become discontent with my own gifts and rank them as insignificant when I begin the dangerous slope of comparison.  So as I seek to serve the One who created me and my purposes, I will joyfully use my simple sweet spots for His glory:

• kindness delivered from my kitchen
• crafting heart hugs for others
• seeking out the hurting and bringing Christ to them
• passion for children and their fragile hearts
• mailing pieces of my heart in personal notes
• organizing celebrations that make others feel special
• pouring myself into my family
• wholeheartedly serving Christ in ministry

Lord, use these gifts from You and highlight all the areas I can be Your hands and feet......

Finding Your Sweet Spot--P31 devotion

Love Painted on the Canvas of a Tree

As Valentine's Day approaches this week, my thoughts have been focused on love and how it exists in every aspect of life.  God is love and without Him we would never get to experience this incredible emotion and all its dimensions.  God created love, He IS love, He sacrificed His love, He designed His children to feel His love, and He gave His children His Spirit for our hearts to be drawn to Him in love.  There is no love apart from God.

Today this song was sung so beautifully and the lyrics penetrated my heart as I listened to the powerful words explaining love of the greatest proportion hanging on a tree for me; so that I may spend eternity in the Presence of the God who created me and created love.  "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!  And that is what we are!"  ~1 John 3:1

As you concentrate on love this week and all the different relationships in which it exists, remember that you are the greatest love of Christ.  You are Christ's valentine.  His selfless love for you is God's greatest masterpiece.  Christ lovingly laid down His life for you.....surrender your life to Him and experience True Love.

On the cross with blood you painted, Your Masterpiece
Selfless love hanging on a tree, for me
Your out stretched arms a portrait, for all to see
Selfless love hanging on a tree, for me

Your Masterpiece--Ashmont Hill

Our Fit Family Finish Line

Today starts a fitness journey for our family.  This morning everyone stood on our body composition scale and received all of their starting numbers prior to each of our personal trainer workouts.  Each with a different goal, but each with the desire of improved health and fitness 8 weeks from today.  The hard work that awaits seems overwhelming to each one of us, yet we are in this together.  The support we will give and receive will get each one of us to the finish line on April 5th.  I'm sure our results will vary as much as our numbers did this morning.  However, the one thing we will have in common will be victory; as individuals and as a family!  When quitting seems the easier choice, we each will have 3 other people pulling us back up.

Family is the unit designed by God to bear one another's burdens, uphold one another in unconditional love, push one another closer to their vision of God's will, and do everything possible to honor, cherish, and protect God's gift of each other to one another.  No doubt this journey will have many highs and lows, but to cross the finish line of a happy, healthy, fit family will be priceless!  Let's do this.........

.....blog post will be continued on April 5, 2014.......

The Pitch of Politics

Baseball runs through the veins of my guys; they bleed black and orange for the Orioles!  This sport dominates much of the passion inside their hearts and the bond they share by spectating and participating together.  Since Braeden was a toddler, strong enough to swing a plastic bat, he has enjoyed baseball with Willie as mom and lil' sister cheered from the stands.  It's never been about the score or the skill, just the love of the game.  My guys' faces light up anytime baseball is mentioned.  So many memories have been made together.  As a Mama watching from the bleachers, their connection with one another and with the game is breathtaking.  Whether a home-run or a strike-out,  their character remains steadfast--joyful and in love with the leather.  Willie coaches with integrity and Braeden plays with heart.

Little League brings America's National pastime into the hearts and homes of many youth each spring.  We begin gearing up in January and anticipate the adjusted schedules, 4:15pm suppers, sacrifices, time, stained uniforms to scrub, practices, opening day, and the sheer delight in the fact that its baseball season again!  Every year baseball brings an energy to our family like none other.  It truly is our family's sport.  From late winter to late June we eat, sleep, and breathe baseball as Willie and Braeden suit up and hit the field together.  We enjoy many trips to Baltimore to cheer on the O's and experience baseball at yet another level--in Camden Yards.  It may not be our little diva's favorite thing, but baseball is our family's thing.

So as our family begins to wind up for Braeden's final year in Little League, the ruthless pitch of politics is thrown directly at us and stings the glove of our family.  The all-about-winning minds are wheeling and dealing and have designed a curve ball that severs this father and son.  Braeden's final year in Little League will not include his best coach in the dugout.  Baseball has quickly become tainted for my guys and the pain in their eyes and hearts is almost too much for this Mama to bear.  The love of the game has become painful as the reality of what has been lost sets in.

Thoughts of this being a tool to grow character and accomplish hard things asked of us by the Lord are just too soon to digest.  I suppose grieving would be the appropriate description.  Trying to make sense of the senseless and then explain the senseless to your 12 year old baseball fanatic is heartbreaking.  Watching my man struggle with this curve ball is gut-wrenching.  Seeing the disappointment on my child's face and shoulders is enraging.  Emotions have so many stages.  This Mama is praying for God's grace to move through them honorably.

So how do we respond to such injustice in the Christ-like manner required of us?  How do we respectfully submit ourselves to the "authority" that has stripped us of our family's dream?  "Turn the other cheek" or "fight for what's right"?  How do we reflect Christ in our actions?  The pitch of politics hits hard and plays for keeps.  The world's scoreboard will always look much different than God's scoreboard.

Politics will always be a painful part of our lives in this fallen world.  Man motivated by what he thinks will accomplish his own elevation.  The idol of self is commonly worshiped when man turns his focus inward and not Upward.  We are all subject to this pull.  Human nature is the hereditary gene we all have.  Its whether we choose to feed it or starve it that determines if we are self-seeking or Christ-seeking.

The pitch of politics stings sharply this week.  We continue to pray for wisdom, discernment, and the Lord's Will for how this family will play baseball this spring and how He will be glorified in this loss.  No matter what the score says at the end of the game, it will be recorded Who you played for and how you played His game.  Christ's team is always victorious!

No Sick Days Built into Mama's Contract

Have you ever noticed how Mamas are always the last ones to get sick in the family?  There may be those rare instances when germs take down the whole family all at once, but for the most part, it's a domino effect where Mama is the last one standing.  The general pattern in our home is that one person comes down with an illness and then each one of us takes our turn being "blessed".  One at a time.  And Mama is always last.  Worn out from caring and worn down from doing.

This domino effect began a week or so ago as one child came down with a cold, passed it on to the other child, who then passed it on to Dad.  Now that everyone has all but bounced back to normal, Mama, the last chic standing, is down.  No one can seem to remember feeling bad since their energy has returned and they expect life to resume as normal--busy.  But Mama can't keep up.  The couch is calling her name--"come stretch out just for a few minutes to recharge".  But the house, the kids, the hubby, the chores, the homework, the emails, the projects, the kitchen, the calendar; they are all calling Mama's name louder than the couch.  And so she presses on.  Longingly looking at the couch and what might have been....

Every time this Mama resolves to stop and rest, she hits a detour.  "I just need to finish this first."  "I need to take care of this and then I can take a break."  "I'm almost done and then can relax."  Tuesday unfolded just this way.  Mama kept pushing forward through her day as the "CRASH AHEAD" warnings got brighter and brighter.  She made it until about 4:30pm and then forced herself to sit (still sorting paperwork--but at least off her feet).  "Dad is just going to have to make supper when he gets home.  I've got nothing left."

Unfortunately, Mama's plan didn't work out.  "I'll be home at 5:30pm" turned into 6:00pm the kids are "starving and needing supper".  So Mama pulls herself up to begin the supper process.  Its going to be a breakfast night.  Pancakes, bacon, sausage, and eggs--Dad can fry up the eggs when he gets home.  So Mama and the peeps sit down to eat their pancakes, bacon, and sausage.  6:45pm and Dad is sitting in the driveway finishing his phone call while the egg skillet has been ready for half an hour.  Braeden taps on the truck window and Dad walks into the house still talking on the phone.  Mama breaks the eggs into the skillet and waits.  Dad still talking in another room.  Mama finally pleads for Dad to head to the skillet and so the eggs are started....they are served as dessert tonight.  Mama, exhausted, heads for the stairs where the bedroom couch is screaming her name.  But hubby speaks louder than the couch, "I know I'm late and I am truly sorry.  But we really need to talk about something."  And so Mama turns away from the calls of the couch and returns to the kitchen.  It's now time to switch "hats" as the hubby is distraught and needs to share his day with his wife.  No sick day for Mama today.  Maybe tomorrow.  Nope---schools are closed, daughter has doctor appointment, hubby heads to Richmond on business....

I'm beginning to think there are no sick days built into my Mama contract!
"My Grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."  ~2 Corinthians 12:9