The first day of 5th grade; the last year in elementary school. 180 days of school between here and middle school. And so this journey began.......
180 school days later. The last day of 5th grade; elementary school years completed. This journey has ended. Middle school here she comes.....
The land in-between these two pictures was not what we expected, nor what we were prepared for. 180 days of school, 13 days of absences, 2 foster care nightmares, 1 ENT doctor, 1 Ophthalmologist, 1 Pediatric Neurologist, $1140 in Christian Counseling, $540 in Chiropractic treatments, and $100 in Probiotic supplements. The land in-between was financially and emotionally costly to our little girl and to our family.
By early November of last year, we knew it was time to be proactive. Jillian was suffering from daily headaches and stomachaches. We had her eyes checked, we had her ears/nose/throat checked. We had a Pediatric Neurologist thoroughly check her out. Everything seemed fine medically.
But Mama wasn't done praying for answers. I did my research and found a phenomenal Christian counselor to bring on board and dig around for the root of these headaches and bellyaches. It didn't take her long to make a diagnosis. STRESS. Jillian was being depleted and her body was fighting back.
Between counseling and the Christmas break, Jillian began to feel improvement as 2014 rolled into 2015. Our foster children were gone and life was beginning to return to normal. But by February, Jillian was back to daily pain and tears and tantrums every morning before school. At one of my own routine Chiropractic appts, I shared Jillian's symptoms with him and asked if he recommended anything holistic to try. He told me to switch Jillian to almond milk and give her a Probiotic daily for one month and then he wanted to see her. The improvement was immediate; and he hadn't even examined Jillian! It was totally a God-thing!
As spring unfolded, Jillian was working through stress strategies with her counselor and the Chiropractor was adjusting her spine, where her body was processing the stress and causing headaches. The almond milk and Probiotics were helping to ease her stress-induced discomfort too.
This Mama was breathing a sigh of relief knowing we had finally found ways to help Jillian get through the remainder of 5th grade. Praising God for His provisions!
But while my head was relieved that medically we were on the right track, my heart still hurt for the damage being done to Jillian's character and esteem. I battled with guilt that the Magnet program was too rigorous for Jillian; we had pushed her too hard. I struggled with fear of what our foster care assignment has truly cost our little girl. We had been praying for the Lord to lead us in each and every aspect, so why was Jillian still not able to pull herself out of bed and face another school day?
The Lord impressed two things on my heart:
1) we were not going to win this battle.
2) He was asking us to press into Him for the duration.
The Magnet program was not the problem--Jillian was earning straights A's in high level learning. Yes, the foster care children had scarred Jillian, but those wounds were healing over time. They also were used to chisel away pieces of inward focus. The stress problem was not either of those roots as I had fretted over.
The stress problem was the method of teaching Jillian was experiencing daily. Being challenged was accompanied by criticism. Problem solving was left to be figured out on your own. Missing the mark was publicly used as an example to the other classmates. Shame was used as a tool to study harder. Sarcasm was not clever; it's disrespectful. Expectations were beyond elementary level. The teacher's temper ran short. Jillian's tears ran abundantly. Everyday Jillian felt measured and fell short of the implied standard. And yet, we had to roll her out of bed each morning to do it all over again.
We fought the big battles enough to realize we were not going to win. Over time, our attempts were simply ignored. We struggled through looking at different education options, but the Lord led us to His answer of prayer and perseverance. We can't always rescue our children from the hard spots. We can't always remove the problem from their lives. But God always uses trials to mold and shape us more like His image.
So instead, we continued to press into Him and allowed His strength to be enough for every day. The days never became easy. The stress never totally absent. So Jillian used this counseling tool to manage the tough days:
We fought the big battles enough to realize we were not going to win. Over time, our attempts were simply ignored. We struggled through looking at different education options, but the Lord led us to His answer of prayer and perseverance. We can't always rescue our children from the hard spots. We can't always remove the problem from their lives. But God always uses trials to mold and shape us more like His image.
So instead, we continued to press into Him and allowed His strength to be enough for every day. The days never became easy. The stress never totally absent. So Jillian used this counseling tool to manage the tough days:
When Jillian was stung by the teacher, she was counseled to remember this picture---her interpretation of how silly the reality looked. Silly doesn't sting the way intimidation does.
5th grade "graduation" at Byron Park was a bitter experience. Parents, cameras, certificates, applause, excitement, and laughter. For Jillian, "graduation" was an end to a very long and hard battle fought. Not one she wants to remember or celebrate. The land in-between day 1 of 5th grade and day 180 of 5th grade represents a journey inside of herself to overcome and survive.
The final blow came on the last day of 5th grade. During a school-wide assembly, Jillian watched 16 of her 20 classmates receive an award for Outstanding Academic Excellence. Jillian was 1 of 4 not to receive this award. When I picked her up yesterday, expecting her to be elated to walk out of that classroom one last time, instead, she was deflated. I had to swallow hard lumps down as she asked me hard questions: "what did I not do this year that was outstanding?" "how can I earn straight A's and not earn that award?" "I worked really hard all year, Mama!" "he just hates me!" "I'm never good enough."
I had no answers. The justice in me hoped and prayed their was an actual criteria used in this award selection, but I still do not have anything that will breath security into Jillian's final wound. The hard lumps returned as I heard Jillian ask Willie the same hard questions as soon as she saw him. I watched Willie rise up an affirm Jillian and tell her she did earn a very special award for outstanding excellence. Outstanding character excellence.
Life beats us up pretty bad sometimes. While we can't take all the blows for our children, we can nurse their wounds and pray the Holy Spirit into all the gaps of life. But above all, we can love them with an unconditional love that is modeled for us in Jesus. Success and worth are not performance based.
We are on our knees teaching them how to pray for their enemies when they want to fight back. We are showing them how to cling to the Lord when the hills get mighty steep. We are cheering them on when they want to quit. We are encouraging them to rise above the circumstances and simply do their best. Because their best is ALWAYS good enough.
When the land in-between is less than picture-perfect, Mamas' know the behind-the-scenes story and we can praise the Lord for covering the financial and emotional costs of the journey with His grace and redeeming Love. Because who you are at the end of the journey is far more beautiful when you know in your heart that Jesus carried you there and He delights in you.
5th grade "graduation" at Byron Park was a bitter experience. Parents, cameras, certificates, applause, excitement, and laughter. For Jillian, "graduation" was an end to a very long and hard battle fought. Not one she wants to remember or celebrate. The land in-between day 1 of 5th grade and day 180 of 5th grade represents a journey inside of herself to overcome and survive.
The final blow came on the last day of 5th grade. During a school-wide assembly, Jillian watched 16 of her 20 classmates receive an award for Outstanding Academic Excellence. Jillian was 1 of 4 not to receive this award. When I picked her up yesterday, expecting her to be elated to walk out of that classroom one last time, instead, she was deflated. I had to swallow hard lumps down as she asked me hard questions: "what did I not do this year that was outstanding?" "how can I earn straight A's and not earn that award?" "I worked really hard all year, Mama!" "he just hates me!" "I'm never good enough."
I had no answers. The justice in me hoped and prayed their was an actual criteria used in this award selection, but I still do not have anything that will breath security into Jillian's final wound. The hard lumps returned as I heard Jillian ask Willie the same hard questions as soon as she saw him. I watched Willie rise up an affirm Jillian and tell her she did earn a very special award for outstanding excellence. Outstanding character excellence.
Life beats us up pretty bad sometimes. While we can't take all the blows for our children, we can nurse their wounds and pray the Holy Spirit into all the gaps of life. But above all, we can love them with an unconditional love that is modeled for us in Jesus. Success and worth are not performance based.
We are on our knees teaching them how to pray for their enemies when they want to fight back. We are showing them how to cling to the Lord when the hills get mighty steep. We are cheering them on when they want to quit. We are encouraging them to rise above the circumstances and simply do their best. Because their best is ALWAYS good enough.
When the land in-between is less than picture-perfect, Mamas' know the behind-the-scenes story and we can praise the Lord for covering the financial and emotional costs of the journey with His grace and redeeming Love. Because who you are at the end of the journey is far more beautiful when you know in your heart that Jesus carried you there and He delights in you.
